I have to make myself pass this very test of my life.
Got to stop living in the past & start a new chapter ;)

I only realise I'm the substitute for his loneliness.
His need when he has nobody.

Now that he has deleted the word "loneliness" in his dictionary, he deleted me ;
he has friends now, he forgotten me ;
he found support from some other places, he need mine no more.



To return him his justice, I'll be starting a long long long long long story now.
Bear with me. For I don't wanna be accused of someone who pushes ALL the blame onto him for this outcome.














Like about 4 years ago...



I knew this guy.
Without even taking the effort to know each other better, we got together.

In the beginning, everything was like puppy love.
Span of less than two months, they broke up for the first time.

But then on Xmas' Eve, this guy asked his friend to call me out,
saying no other intentions, just to celebrate Xmas together.
But the guy asked me to get back with him, face to face, I did not have the courage to reject, & so y' know.

That guy treated me very coldly although he was the one who wanted to be together.
His friends were always placed in front of mine priority.
I did not have a say in it, I could only keep quiet & stick to him like a dog. Yes, a dog which was mute.

Slowly, this puppy love developed into a serious relationship.
Like any other couples, we argued, we fought, we lived together.

He started to hit me, strangle me, kick me, anything you could never have imagined of.
I tolerated all that for the first few months but slowly I cannot hold myself back anymore & I retaliated.
Things eventually got worst of course, with the two of us hitting back at one another.
But we always make things up after a while.

BUT.
His family are a bunch of people who thinks that they have too much time, & always try to step on my tail.
I did not want to be calculative with them because I don't want this guy to get sandwiched.

After living together for a period of time, we argued on a daily basis.
Only stopped fighting after being together for two years.

For I-forgot-what reason, he promised me he will stop hitting me.
On the other hand, I became more brutal to him.
I wouldn't deny that it's because of the hatred in me towards him.

His not bad himself too.
He always liked to scold me prostitute, cheap, slut, bitch, anything vulgar, during this period of time.
How maligned am I?!
This led to more & more often slapping of his face, but he wouldn't get it, how hurt I was by all that words.

Then he went to NS so we both moved back to our own homes.
I promised to wait for him IF I could.

Yes I broke my promise.
I betrayed him.

But he did a grave mistake by consuming Dettol.
Just because I did not want to carry on the relationship with someone I betrayed.
I did not want to remember the guilt.

& by consuming Dettol, he worsened the relationship between his family & me.
They did not thought that they are partly at fault too by not showing enough concern for him.
Okay never mind.
I swallowed my pride & bear all the consequences.

After he was discharged from the hospital, we patched, again.
This time round, he started to become very sweet towards me.
Although making me more guilty,
I felt very blessed for being with him.

But over time, he changed back to the guy whom I hated.
I of course broke up with him like he broke his promise.

He waited faithfully for a period of six months before our most recent official patch.
Still, I hit him sometimes when I'm really pissed off,
scolds him dog, bastard, whatever nasty words you could think of.

Do you think my heart doesn't ache when I do all these?
It does of course.
But I can't control my temper whenever he incurs my wraith, for he should be the one who will be the most understanding towards me.

& the fact that he always say & not do things all the times.
Making me so disappointed.
Teach me, how could I have stopped myself from going crazy on him?

P.S./ All the concerns he lack from his family, he demands it from me. His family did nothing about it when I tried to ask them to care about him more too. What the fuck is wrong with this whole family.



After saying so much, the main point of it is to let you guys know everything (well, almost) about our relationship.
As he blamed me this morning I did him injustice, letting you people have the wrong impression of him?! Whatever!

I said I'm a substitute for his friends & a cover for his loneliness,
it's all because that...
Whenever I cannot stand him anymore, he will do anything, even if it means to make himself look cunning, to get me back.
Now that he got what he always wanted - F-R-I-E-N-D-S,
he started to become very proud now.

Not trying to make him look bad, but it's true.
This guy now, to me, he is the worst of all.
I hate myself for having loved him, even more than ever.